Friday, December 09, 2005

Dearest,


I random-clicked through a dozen or so more blogs tonight. As per my usual policy, I stopped once I found one that I liked. Unfortunately for my love life, this one was the blog of a gay man. At least it's an entertaining read. On a whim, I checked to see if my ex was still blogging - he hadn't in several months, and I've been doing a good job of moving on. Of course, he had, and was waxing poetic about his new girlfriend. I have to admit, it upset me. Not in that way, more in the pissed off way that reminded me of the kind of person I don't want to be. I know I dodged a bullet with him and I'm grateful I have the opportunity to find you...it just doesn't seem fair, sometimes. I'm taking the high road, forgoing the pretense of happiness until I find you. He's a man-whore and gets to be happy. He gets to break promises and have mental problems and still get a girlfriend...


I'm proud of who I am, of who I am becoming. I have control of my life now and I like where I'm going. I've been thinking about religion a lot, about my status as a Jew. I don't consider myself as becoming more religious, but I find that I am adopting more of the precepts of Judaism. I choose to believe in you despite the fact that my religion tells me you exist. I am trying to live a good life and take care of myself. I have made the commitment to remaining celibate until I find you. Don't get me wrong, dearest, I'm fond of sex. Or at least, what I think good sex would be like. It's just not worth it, though. I don't want that kind of sex anymore. I want to make love with my bashert. It's been a year so far, although I didn't make this decision until fairly recently. It's not written down anywhere except here, it's just a promise I made to myself.

I wonder what you're doing right now. Many times, I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you imagine what I'm like. I wonder if you would love me as I am now, this overweight work in progress. I hope you wouldn't pass me by. Trust me, I'm going to be incredible. I wonder how tall you are and what kind of clothes you wear. I wonder if you have glasses and if you'll laugh that I'm obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wonder what kind of music you listen to and if I'll finally be able to sleep next to you without feeling claustrophobic. Mostly, though, I wonder if I'll ever find you. In the meantime...

I am, as ever,
yours.

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