Monday, January 09, 2006

Dearest,

I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written. I'm trying to save money, so I cancelled my internet access at home. I can use the computers at work or at my mom's house, but it makes writing to you more difficult.

I have been busy since school ended. I've applied to several editing jobs - one local, a few in NYC and one in northern NJ. It's frustrating, since I don't have any occupational experience in this area. I think I wrote a very good cover letter and I do have good recommendations, so I am hoping that if I keep plugging away, eventually something will come through.

Please don't think that since I haven't been writing I haven't been thinking of you. I think of you every day. Most of the time I believe I will find you. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't believe that; I think it would destroy me. I have so much more faith in myself now than I used to. People say that you have to love yourself before you can be loved by somebody else. I'm not sure if that's true, but I think I'm on my way to that.

I don't feel as apart from people as I used to. It's strange, though, feeling the things I do and being so lonely at the same time. William is good company, but he's only a cat after all. I try to keep busy. I work, I write, I live. That's all we can do, right?

I guess I didn't really have much to say. I just wanted to let you know that I'm here, and that you're in my thoughts.

I am, as ever,
yours.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Dearest,

I'm done! I just sent off my last paper. I never have to do homework again! I just want to take this moment to say woooohooooo!!!!!

*kiss*
me

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Dearest,


The day after tomorrow I will be a college graduate. It's taken me a long time to get here. I'm grateful for so much this holiday season. I'm grateful for the opportunity to focus on what is really important to me now - my writing and my health. I'm grateful for the family support I have and for my friends. Last but definitely not least, I'm so grateful for you. I'm grateful that I will have the chance to find you and to love you. I was talking to a good friend of mine the other day about my decision to wait for you. He said that sex was fun and not a big deal. I thought about it for a moment but then I realized this is what making difficult decisions is about. This is what being an adult is about. Some things are just more important than the immediacy of what is fun. Being with you, dearest, would be more than just fun. And so, I wait.

In the meantime
I am, as ever,
yours.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Dearest,


I'm sorry I haven't written in a few days. I'm torn between frantically finishing my last few papers before the semester ends next week and procrastinating the same. Eleven days and it will all be over. I'm taking the night off from work to celebrate which for me will probably mean lunch out with mom and a movie and then home watching Buffy and playing Sims. Hey, to each their own, right? I have my paper on Hemmingway due tomorrow (I'm so not a fan), and then a paper on Dr. Zhivago and one on Thomas Mann's The Magic Mountain. I haven't read either.

I don't really have much to say today, but I have been thinking of you. I've been formulating my plan for how I will lose weight. I'm going to go organic - grains, raw veggies, etc. I'm looking into different exercise programs. I'm definitely going to get back into yoga, I like how it makes me feel. I'm thinking of some form of kickboxing for the cardio. I don't like thinking this way, but a part of me has always believed I wouldn't meet you until I lost weight. I'm not trying to say that I think you would be one of the masses to whom I am invisible, just that it's important for me to be myself. This just isn't me. I'm trying to make my outsides match my insides and become the woman I used to be, physically. The bad things are out of my life, the good things I'm working on step by step. Bachelor's degree, health, writing, etc.

I suppose I should get back to Hemmingway now. I'll write more as time allows.

I am, as ever,
yours.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Dearest,


I random-clicked through a dozen or so more blogs tonight. As per my usual policy, I stopped once I found one that I liked. Unfortunately for my love life, this one was the blog of a gay man. At least it's an entertaining read. On a whim, I checked to see if my ex was still blogging - he hadn't in several months, and I've been doing a good job of moving on. Of course, he had, and was waxing poetic about his new girlfriend. I have to admit, it upset me. Not in that way, more in the pissed off way that reminded me of the kind of person I don't want to be. I know I dodged a bullet with him and I'm grateful I have the opportunity to find you...it just doesn't seem fair, sometimes. I'm taking the high road, forgoing the pretense of happiness until I find you. He's a man-whore and gets to be happy. He gets to break promises and have mental problems and still get a girlfriend...


I'm proud of who I am, of who I am becoming. I have control of my life now and I like where I'm going. I've been thinking about religion a lot, about my status as a Jew. I don't consider myself as becoming more religious, but I find that I am adopting more of the precepts of Judaism. I choose to believe in you despite the fact that my religion tells me you exist. I am trying to live a good life and take care of myself. I have made the commitment to remaining celibate until I find you. Don't get me wrong, dearest, I'm fond of sex. Or at least, what I think good sex would be like. It's just not worth it, though. I don't want that kind of sex anymore. I want to make love with my bashert. It's been a year so far, although I didn't make this decision until fairly recently. It's not written down anywhere except here, it's just a promise I made to myself.

I wonder what you're doing right now. Many times, I wonder if you think of me. I wonder if you imagine what I'm like. I wonder if you would love me as I am now, this overweight work in progress. I hope you wouldn't pass me by. Trust me, I'm going to be incredible. I wonder how tall you are and what kind of clothes you wear. I wonder if you have glasses and if you'll laugh that I'm obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I wonder what kind of music you listen to and if I'll finally be able to sleep next to you without feeling claustrophobic. Mostly, though, I wonder if I'll ever find you. In the meantime...

I am, as ever,
yours.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

The First

Dearest,

I don't know your name yet, but I've decided to write to you anyway. I was inspired by a fellow blogger and have decided to tread the murky waters for (hopefully) the last time. I dream of you often, though. You take on different faces but there are always similarities. You have eyes that sparkle and a smile that makes me go weak at the knees. Once, you had a name: Lavender. However, since I've never met or even heard of anybody with that name I will simply address my letters to you as Dearest. It has a nice ring, don't you think? Who knows, maybe this blog will lead you to me.

Oh, the blog title. There's this new show on tv called "How I Met Your Mother." I'm hopelessly hooked on it. The quote is from that show as well.

I want to say right off the bat that I'm sorry I haven't always believed in you. It's the hardest thing for me, to believe that I will meet you. I'm turning 30 in a few months. Some days I'm fine but others I feel as if time is running out. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone. I'm sorry that I was weak, that I almost spent the rest of my life with him because I was too scared of ending up with nothing. Would you be disappointed in me if you knew the number of times I made that mistake? I'm sorry too for not believing in myself, for making excuses for not being the best version of myself.

Lately, I've been designing my dream wedding dress in my head. You know at the end of Dirty Dancing, when they're dancing on stage? Her skirt swirls around, so light and delicate. I want my dress to be made out of that material and this pale grey color - the cloud's silver lining, maybe. That color. I want it to have a low waist and spaghetti straps and I want the waist to be defined by crystals. I want it to be different, to be quintessentially me.

I suppose I should tell you that I talk to you sometimes. I have for years - even when I was with my ex. I love talking to you, but it makes me sad. I wonder how you can be so real to me, when we've never met - when we might never meet. I'm Jewish, as you know, and my religion tells me that God picked you out for me forty days before I was born. As much as I'd love to believe that, I won't be the hypocrite and believe just for the sake of assurance of you. Sometimes I do believe in God though, so I guess it's just as ok to believe in you. Don't ask me which is harder though, I don't know.

I'm a work in progress, dearest. Almost thirty years old, I'm just now getting my Bachelor's this month. A Bachelor's in Literature, to be exact. Yes, your future wife isn't very practical. I'm passionate, though, which I think is more important. What do I plan on doing with it? I'm hoping to find a job editing with a newspaper, magazine or academic publisher. No, no editing novels. I couldn't stand spending my days pouring over other people's successes when I haven't finished my own novel. I'm going to look locally first, then branch out to other locations I have enjoyed - New York City, Baltimore/DC, San Francisco, etc. I hope I pick your city. One of the things I'm afraid of is missing you by chance. What if I pick the job in Baltimore and you live in Chicago? I know, have faith. I'll try, dearest.

I have one more confession to make for this first letter. Once a week or so, I randomly flip through a couple dozen blogs hoping to find you. I guess I've always assumed that when I saw you, I would know. I hope I'm right. I haven't found you yet, but I promise I'll keep looking.

I am, as ever,
Yours.